Shit Girls Say: Funny or Infuriating?

Unless you live under a rock, you've seen the video Shit Girls Say. The viral sensation features a guy, impersonating a 20-something "girl", rattling off phrases you and your besties couldn't have a convo without:

• "I know, right?" (Obvi.)
• "Like, I'm not even joking right now." (Shit's about to get serious.) 
• "Twinsies!" (Biatch, you knew I had that bracelet first.) 
• Unintelligible screams when reuniting with a friend (Who wouldn't be beside themselves over a run in with Juliette Lewis ...)

Much of the video is pretty dead-on. Is it hard to find things in enormous purses? Totes. Have I said, "Shut UP!" Yes, of course. Do I sometimes enjoy eating chips at the speed of light, while watching TV on the couch? You bet your ass.

But what I don't like is that these "girls" we're all laughing at are really women our age. Women that can remember their passwords. Women that don't need to ask if others "know anything about computers." I'm always one to poke fun at situations ... so I'm taking this with a grain of salt. (Even the writers at Slate aren't that pissed.) The video is funny, and it's getting people talking. Plus, there's definitely a Shit Guys Say already in the works ... sure to be it's own stereotypical masterpiece complete with grunts, gas, cave-men gestures, banshee screams. The usual.



What do you think of this video? Funny or a bit much?

A Welcome Home

U.S. Navy photo by Mass Communication Specialist 2nd Class Timothy Walter/Releas

To Bahrain and back...

I had to share this incredible picture of my friend Sara reuniting with her boyfriend Daren after his 7-month deployment aboard an air craft carrier.

Home just in time for the holidays, they're gladly trading in those once a week Skype dates for the real thing. 

:)

The Comeback of Pantyhose?

No matter what you call them -- stockings, pantyhose, or tights -- wearing old school hosiery is a fashion faux pas for most gals I know. Don't get me wrong, I love a good black opaque tight. But once you head into sheer or shimmery territory (or anything called "Suntan"), you might as well be walking those L'eggs back into the 80s. Sure, we all remember a very glamorous time when our permed mothers rocked a 'hose/skirt suit combo like nobody's business. But times have changed. And none of us have gone near stockings since Homecoming '98.

Until today, I haven't given stockings much thought. But I received a text from one of my BFF's asking: Am I supposed to wear stockings to a black-tie winter wedding? Are stockings cheesy?

What's a girl to do? Freeze and go barelegged? Look too casual in black opaques? Or risk her rep in the name of warmth and wear nude stockings?

Naturally, I turned to Google and typed, "is it lame to wear tights to a wedding?" One of the first links that popped up was this Forbes article, The Great Pantyhose Debate of 2012. Yes, now we are talking! Although there was no black-tie wedding advice, I do agree with the writer that sometimes the wrong shade can make you look like a Hooters waitress. Upon further research, here's what I found to help guide my friend:

• Kate Middleton wears nude stockings. According to the Telegraph newspaper of London, "Tan colored tights are enjoying a fashion renaissance led by younger women ranging from the Duchess of Cambridge and her sister, Pippa Middleton, to Cheryl Cole and Carla Bruni." So, there's that...
• L’eggs, the brand of hosiery that used to come in that mysterious egg shaped container at the supermarket is back. Their new brand strategy, "Lucky in L'eggs" hopes to entice 18-34 year old women to give the reinvented brand a try. They have 905 twitter followers ... so maybe one of them will be at the same wedding? You guys can blaze the trail for the rest of us...
• As far as I can tell, the models on Shopbop.com do not care that hosiery could be making a comeback. Go barelegged, or go home.
• No fashion choice could be much worse than the bizarre tuxedo ensemble Kourtney Kardashian wore to lunch the other day. 
• You can wear stockings and pretend you're being ironic. 

So in conclusion, I have no firm answer. But I do know that I've spent way too much time reading and writing about hosiery for one evening.

Readers ... what do you think? Help a girl out. She needs to know by this weekend. 

Poop Tattoo Angers Girlfriend

Word to the wise: never, ever, ever cheat on your boyfriend. Especially if he's a tattoo artist.

So, apparently this chick named Rossie wanted her boyfriend Ryan to design a magical scene from Narnia on her back. Perhaps she was envisioning flying horses. Instead she wound up with flies. Buzzing around a massive pile of #2. Click here to see -- it's too gross to post on my cute little blog.

Why oh why?

Ryan caught wind that Rossie cheated on him with his friend. So, he plotted permanent revenge by way of tequila and a sneaky consent form stating the design was “at the artist’s discretion.” Rossie is now single, and in need of some serious laser surgery.

It's clearly for the best that they broke up... although this story takes getting "dumped" to a whole new level.

Exercise is Funny

The other day when I was on the elliptical, I had a random thought, what if a colonial pilgrim was transported through time and ended up in my gym during after-work peak hours? What a bewildering sight: Neon lights. Hundreds of people wearing spandex frantically running on machines, yet going nowhere at all. Lady Gaga tunes blasting. Men wearing shirts with their sleeves cut off. TVs broadcasting Keeping Up with the Kardashians at every turn....

Why a pilgrim? Who knows. Maybe Thanksgiving had some sort of influence.

Regardless of my historical character choice, next time you're at the gym, step back and look around at what's going on. It's really kinda funny. (Stability ball class, anyone?) I'm pretty sure that the more ridiculous you look, the better the workout. At least that's what I told myself tonight in Zumba.

This class was AH-mazing. My last Zumba experience was a little too low key -- retirement community-esque, if you will. But this was like being at a club. Except with all strangers (yep, super awkward at first). Men and women of all ages were shimmying and shaking without a care in the world. And that's the point. It's a chance to pretend you've got moves, even if you're rhythmically-challenged, (while burning a zillion calories). So what if that series of samba/butt-rolls makes you look like you're being electrocuted? There were definitely a few times I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and couldn't really process what my legs were doing. What can I say? My childhood in the suburbs of Cleveland really lacked Latin flair. I'll improve...

I think the pilgrims would have been into it. They seem like celebratory folk.

Forever Lazy: An Adult Onesie

There's something I saw on TV that's crazier than Herman Cain, and not getting nearly enough mainstream media attention. Just when I thought infomercial products couldn't get any worse than Pajama Jeans -- Forever Lazy, in all of it's anti-pill polar fleece glory, hit the airwaves. The two minute commercial features overly enthusiastic adults (sometimes even entire families) wearing "one-piece full body lazy wear." Yep.

Good luck getting a date...

Why would any sane person need such a thing? Because "wrestling with blankets is silly" and the makers of Forever Lazy don't want you using your heat in the winter ... or having stable human relationships.

When wearing a Forever Lazy, you'll be nice and toasty while you read, talk on the phone, or awkwardly play a guitar in a college dorm room while your roommate asks for an immediate transfer. You can easily sip ice water on your deck with your spouse without worrying about what to wear. You can also "enjoy some down time with pets." (Where did they find this scriptwriter?)

Obviously these 2 idiots are friends.

The most horrifying part is that you don't even have to take it off to go to the bathroom. There are "zippered hatches in the front and back for great escapes when duty calls."

I have so many questions about Forever Lazy, I don't even know where to begin. Who is the mastermind behind this idea? Is it just a cruel joke to see if we can boost the obesity rate in this country even more? Does it come with a bag of Funyuns? How much did the actors get paid? Were they drugged? Does it need to be dry cleaned? How many nervous breakdowns have been linked to purchases of a Forever Lazy? 

Honestly, if I am ever found wearing this -- shit will have really hit the fan. Just rip the pint of ice cream and box of Franzia out of my hands and intervene.

But let's get serious now ... there are some high risk people that should never, ever step foot into a Forever Lazy:

• a woman fresh out of a breakup
• anyone that lives with their parents after college
• people that own 3 or more cats
• Charlie Sheen  

So, should I buy this for my husband for his birthday?

$1 for a Stability Ball

Have you guys seen this hysterical craigslist ad? After a particularly challenging yoga class, this guy tried to sell his yoga mat (used only once) for a dollar. His listing takes you through the ups (crush on the chick next to him) and downs ("150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own ... I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed."), fully detailing why he'll never step foot in that class again.

Tonight I had a similar "challenging" experience at the gym. Except I'm going to try to sell all of the gym's stability balls for a dollar, so I never have to take that class again.

All joking aside, it actually was an awesome class. With practice, in about three years I should be able to successfully do the things the teacher told me to. But let me just fill you in on some of my ups and downs of class tonight.

First of all, have you ever done a full body workout with a stability ball? It's impossible not to look like a beached whale that's found an over-sized sand toy. Actually, the entire class seemed to resemble different forms of sea life. The poor guy next to me was flopping around like a little sardine. I knew I was in good company when he let out a high-pitched shriek as the ball shot out from under him. 

Most exercises begin with you rolling your entire body over the ball into some sort of plank position. Then the super perky teacher tells you to do something ungodly, like 45 pushups with just your toes resting on the ball or headstands with one foot in the air, and one on the ball.

Are you KIDDING ME, LADY? What did I ever do to YOU? You should be paying ME to be here.

After doing a particularly hard series of what can only be described as acrobatics, I'm pretty sure I blacked out. The only reason I woke up is because Ke$ha was sprinkling glitter on my face. Following that brief hallucination, we were told to lay on our backs, and rock back and forth. The perky lady called it a teeter-totter. The last time I was on a teeter-totter, I remember it being fun. And then I got juice and animal crackers. Tonight, not so much.

A bit of advice: If you're ever going to do a class like this, avoid being in the back row, closest to the massive window that faces the rest of the gym. Yep, I had that prime spot. I'm sure the dudes lifting weights had quite a show the 62 times I rolled off the ball, cursing to myself like a truck driver. 

Forty five minutes later ... it was over. I took a deep sigh of relief, and teetered out of the room like a baby that just learned to walk. Moving tomorrow should be awesome.