Ode to My 2-Year Old

Aren't shoes optional?

There once was a time when you snoozed serenely in a swing.

You didn't have the hand-eye coordination to ransack anything.

Now you're two -- so chatty, spunky, and funny,
You've got lots of opinions and a nose that's always runny.

You can laugh and then cry in the blink of an eye,

Because I said, "mommy's phone is sleeping!" (you were onto my lie). 

How many times have we told you not to stand on the couch?

And please stop putting lint from the carpet in your mouth. 

I commend your effort for trying to put on your shoes, shirt, and pants,

But if we don't get this show on the road, sister... we'll miss music class. 

Remember how much fun we had at Tots and Tykes Yoga?

Then you found the fire alarm and soon it was over. 

Food is meant to be eaten, in case you didn't know,

Giving yourself a guacamole facial, again? I said N.O. 

You talkin' to me?

Last night I had the audacity to serve something green on your plate,

You looked at me, puzzled. Ketchup by the spoonful was the only thing you ate.  

You could live on hummus, crackers, and cheese,
Or whatever I'm eating, as long as you say "please."

Now that you talk, you sure have plenty to say: 

"No pigtail, mommy!" "Oh my gosh," and "no way!"

You seriously don't think you're getting these back, mom...

Honestly, what's really so bad about wearing a hat? 

And since when did you get so particular about our bath mat? 

Hurling your sippy cup down the stairs is getting kinda old,

Quite frankly, your antics are becoming a bit too bold. 

Buckling you into the stroller is a battle that's very hard to win,

One time daddy bribed you with bacon. (Yep, we'll try that again.)

Give me all of the snacks.

Nice knowing ya, living room... the toy takeover is hard to handle,

And I swear all the creepy dolls look at me when I watch Scandal. 

You're a busy little bee, always moving, running, jumping and more,

What's that sound? Oh, it's daddy snoring. He's out cold on the floor. 

Between bathing and books, bedtime negotiations last all night,

But when you snuggle up and say, "I love you," the world is just right. 

This Sandra Boynton gal must be raking in serious dough,

Goodnight hippos and Little Pookie... hello glass of vino.

It's not always chaos; being two is a wondrous thing,

Only you can get your rhythm challenged dad to dance and sing. 

You're the only person I would let sneeze in my hand,

There's simply no one else like you in all of the land. 

You're truly a gem, so smart and so sweet,

Now, put on your jammies... it's time to go to sleep!

New Baby Essentials

In between getting pooped on and watching morning talk show segments about important things like grandmothers who weight lift, I'm sneaking in a little freelance writing for WEtv.com. One of my most recent posts shares 10 New Baby Buys. When I was pregnant, I didn't even know where to begin. So, I asked my friends for their tried and true baby must-haves so I could stock up on the right stuff. Here are some of things that work for us:

Aden and Anais Swaddles
These swaddle blankets are super cute and cozy. I wish they made them for grown ups. Aside from using them to wrap your little one at bedtime, the soft, breathable muslin blanket does double duty as a stroller cover, nursing shield, tummy time blanket, or burp cloth. I take these everywhere!

Cloud b Sound Machine Soother
It's "sheepy" time! This sound machine has 4 different sounds to help soothe your sweet baby to sleep. Not going to lie ... I kinda like it too.

 

3 Sprouts Hooded Towel
After bath time, babies look SO cute in hooded towels - especially ones that have ears. I love the 3 Sprouts hooded towels. We have the chicken and the elephant.




Ergo Baby Performance Carrier
Hang out with your baby, hands-free. Especially if you live in a city, the Ergo is perfect for running nearby errands and even getting things done around the house with your baby in tow.

Mustela Bathtime Essential Set
This smells AMAZING - different than the Johnson & Johnson we grew up with (which I still love). Perfect for a brand new baby, all Mustela products are free of parabens, phthalates and phenoxyethanol. (This sweet smelling set makes a great gift too.)

Tiny Love Soothe and Groove Mobile 
At around 6 weeks or so, newborns start to become much more interested in their surroundings. This mobile gets us a lot of smiles and cute squeals these days. Plus it's easy to attach to the side of your crib.



I also LOVED the Nap Nanny and the Rock n' Play which sadly both got recalled. Definitely fill out those forms so that companies have your info and can alert you to issues.

What are your newborn essentials?

Diary of a Mom in One Line a Day

Many moms have grand plans of chronicling the life of their new baby. But when your days are full of diaper changes, feedings, laundry, stroller walks, and sneaking in some "me" time, that baby journal easily gets overlooked.

Before my baby was born, a friend got me this great book, Mom's One Line a Day. Just like the title says, all you have to do is write one line to document that day. So, since it takes all of 12 seconds to jot down a one-liner, it's easy to keep up.

"Today you had your first bath. You hated every second of it and Mommy cried." 

"You met your great grandparents and went to your first happy hour at their hotel." 

"The Nap Nanny that you love to sleep in was recalled. Shit." 

"You did Tummy Time for 15 seconds. We took 45 pictures."

Good times.

Newborn 101

Guess what? I'm a mom!

Three weeks ago I gave birth to an adorable baby girl (OMG still in shock that this really happened). My husband and I are totally smitten. We've never spent so much time watching someone sleep (and taking pictures of her sleeping). But even though she spends most of the day snoozing, there's still a ton to learn, do, and Google ("newborn and weird breathing", "how many times should newborns poop?"...).

In the whirlwind of the past three weeks, here's what I've learned so far: (I'm not an expert and spend my days bewildered so take this with a grain of salt.)

They make weird noises when they sleep:
"Sleeping like a baby" has taken on a whole new meaning. A more accurate term would be "Sleeping like an 80 year old grandpa and/or barnyard animal." From grunts to snores, squeals to sighs... newborns are very busy, loud sleepers. According to our pediatrician this is normal and we don't need to hover over her crib to make sure she's breathing. But this means while she's sleeping, oftentimes we're not. In addition to the noises, sometimes she flails her arms around like she's doing baby Tae Bo. Billy Blanks would be proud.

They poop a LOT:
The amount of diapers and wipes we've gone through in just a few weeks is astounding. And this little lady is full of surprises. It's mind boggling that someone who is so sweet and tiny makes sounds comparable to gunfire when going #2. We literally thought someone got shot outside our house the other night. I've just realized that she's going to hate me when she's old enough to read this blog. And with that, I'll conclude the poop section.

They need a lot of seating/sleeping options:
The couch in our living room is now in the good company of a Lamb Swing, a Rock 'n Play, and a Nap Nanny. We spend most of our day moving her to different sleeping contraptions to see which "infant recliner" she will be happiest in.  Babies really have it made.

They eat a LOT:
Newborns need to eat 8-12 times a day. Much like her food-obsessed parents, our little gal has quite an appetite. I think she'll be a great brunch buddy once she moves onto solid foods. Feedings are when we spend our best quality time. During our morning feeding today, she agreed that Kathie Lee and Hoda need to lay off the booze. She also told me (via spitting up) that she's not a fan of the kimono style nightgowns we've been having her sleep in.

They can make your heart melt in an instant:
There's nothing like having a teeny, tiny newborn sleep on your chest while you hold them. Or seeing your husband read her The Belly Button book. Or listening to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star play from the mobile while she sleeps and puffs her lips out like a mini Angelina Jolie. Or wrapping her up in a swaddle and then scooping up that tiny baby burrito to rock her to sleep. I could go on and on...

Newborns are just too damn cute. Sigh.  :)

The Cookie Incident

Sometimes a gal that's nine months pregnant just needs to eat a cookie as big as her face. To satisfy my sweet-tooth, I waddled myself over to Potbelly for my late afternoon "feeding". As I was carefully selecting the perfect oatmeal chocolate chip cookie, I heard a voice behind me....

"You should try the mini chocolate cherry cookies."

I politely smiled at this man in line as he peered over my shoulder and pointed to a bag of two much smaller cookies. For a hot second, I toyed with the idea of downsizing my snack. I guess I didn't really need the big cookie... did I? I commend Potbelly for offering smaller portion sizes. But today, I didn't feel like making a good decision.

As if he knew my inner dilemma, he nodded towards my oatmeal monstrosity and said, "Get the smaller ones."

GET THE SMALLER ONES? And that my friends, is when Hungry Pregnant Woman Rage (HPWR) kicked in. Talk to me when you have to schlep around something the size of a watermelon 24/7. I'll eat a cookie the size of a Buick if I want to, asshat. I'm aware that I look like an elephant seal in leggings and an ill-fitting cardigan. By 4pm everyday, I truly feel like the one on the left:

Luckily, I kept my composure, bought my snack, and went on my way. But if that dude ever has a pregnant wife, he'll be sleeping in the garage in no time. 

You Know You're Pregnant When...

Pregnancy is different for everyone. Some moms-to-be can't eat for the first three months, others can't eat enough french toast (who, me?). Some don't gain an ounce except for their belly, others need to be airlifted out of bed to make it to work. Some give 7th grade boys a run for their money in the zit department, others have gorgeous, glowing skin for nine straight months. But all women surely experience these 10 things:

You Know You're Pregnant When....

1. You literally cry tears of joy at the sight of an Outlook invitation for a co-workers b-day celebration in a cubicle. Because A) Everything makes you cry B) You love dessert more than your husband these days. C) Cupcakes?!?!? Ice cream? doughnuts? Happy birthday. Now get out of my way.

2. Happy hour is just "hour" when you can't partake in the boozing. Whoever invented the word mocktail is a jerk. Sucktail is more like it. And bartender, putting an umbrella in my seltzer does not make this experience more festive.

3. When people say, "WOW you got big!", you'll kindly smile and nod while envisioning punching them in the face. When people tell you about a friend of a friend that gave birth in a car, you'll actually punch them in the face.

4. Supermarket cashiers ask you more personal questions about your pregnancy than your best friends.

5. Your hubby will buy you anything you can tie back to the upcoming needs of the baby. "Yes, honey this Rebecca Minkoff clutch is a burp cloth holder."

6. You bring your lunch to work in a tall kitchen garbage bag, not a lunch bag.

7. Prenatal yoga is truly awesome, except when the teacher makes you do awkward partner stretches. Not cool, lady... I just want to tone what's left of my core, not straddle a stranger.  

8. You'll ask your doctor all sorts of crazy questions, like if getting a pedicure can induce labor because you read an article that claims it may. And she'll say, "If that was true, we'd just hire a bunch of manicurists instead of giving women pitocin." Or, you may ask if you need to change your usual skin care products, in which she responds, "Not unless you're planning on eating them."

9. That XXL t-shirt from 11th grade basketball is your new best friend and you really wish you could just wear it to work. Everyday.

10. "Is this normal?" are the three most commonly used words in your vocabulary. Get used to it, sister.